Journal: 05/24/06

Up early for the trip to Salinas this morning and actually made it out of the house on time. Bill’s car made the trip without incident and we were back home, after a stop in Marina at Grocery Outlet and my bank in Monterey, by 11:30 AM. My plan was to take a nap before going into work, but I opted for a couple of beers instead. The day at work didn’t turn out badly because of the morning beers though, but I do plan on an early bedtime tonight. By the time I put in nine hours behind the front desk, I’ll be tuckered out.

Begging from the Government

The trip to Salinas and the Social Security office went well as far as getting through the interview and explaining my needs. I left with a feeling of incompleteness though; I hadn’t really accomplished more than making an appointment two weeks from now. That’s the time when all the applications are filled out and submitted for action.

There didn’t seem to be any problem with the death benefit, I fit all the criteria since Joann and I had been married longer than a year. I guess that if your wife dies before a year of marriage, you’re screwed on the death benefit.

I didn’t qualify for survivor’s benefits though, as I have to either have reached the ripe old age of sixty, or already be disabled myself. Which leads me to another reason to apply for my own disability status. I left with an appointment for June 5 to get together for another interview with yet another person to complete the death benefit and disability applications. Who knows how long it will take after that to see any results?

I knew that Social Security wasn’t going to be a quick fix for my money woes, but I decided that sooner was better in starting the application process. In the short term though, none of these applications will have any affect on the quality of my life, or my ability to purchase beer and cigarettes. It does give me a little more leverage with the bank though, at least they can see me making some effort.

I did stop by my bank on the way home and had a chat with the branch manager. Surprisingly, he actually remembered me and that made things easier. He knew that Joann had been ill for a long time and wasn’t surprised to hear about her death. We discussed options for getting money back into the bank and he said that they wouldn’t cancel the account, so long as I kept him in the loop. I promised to do that and after placing a block on my account so my automatic bill payments would be stopped, I left for home and a couple well earned beers.

Journal: 05/23/06

My first day back to work is usually a tough one, hangovers are a part of natural aging where your body pleads with you to "lighten up," but your brain doesn’t want to know about the aftereffects. This morning, however, I rolled out of bed and was not feeling like beer kicked my ass yesterday, but I was still a little alcoholic. The usual Tuesday morning beer took care of that and the rest of the day went along just fine. Obviously, I didn’t get up early enough to make the trip to Social Security in Salinas today, the result of staying up until 4:00 AM this morning. Bill wasn’t happy, he called me at 7:00 AM to rouse me, but I cancelled and went back to bed. I do plan an early night tonight.

Salinas Waits until Tomorrow

As I noted before, I didn’t get going soon enough to take the trip to Salinas and the Social Security office. Its not that the trip wasn’t important, but my days off always wear me out. Meanwhile, I have planned today in such a manner that I won’t have any problems making the trip tomorrow. I have all the papers I need to make the applications for survivor’s benefits, the death benefit and my own disability insurance.

I decided late last night to apply for disability benefits for myself because I have the necessary medical history and am in need of seeing a doctor for changes in my own condition. I haven’t seen a doctor in several years and as I grow older, existing conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis, upper-back deterioration and neural issues in my arms are becoming more of a disability. Given the current financial situation, I decided "what the hell," and if applying for disability gets me to a doctor, so much the better.

Now that I’m not distracted by Joann’s problems, I have to acknowledge that my own health isn’t doing all that well. A combination of stress and natural deterioration are taking their toll. Many of the aches and pains that disappeared when Joann died have started to present themselves again and though I don’t feel like I am under that much stress now, my body might be telling me something else. Hence, the reason for applying for my own disability. I hate the begging, but I have no other alternatives at the moment.

Journal: 05/22/06

I’m beginning to be frightened of my days off. Last Sunday was Mother’s Day and that turned into a fiasco. Today, Monday, was my day off also, and the financial carnage inflicted on me was unexpected and swift. Nevertheless, I didn’t make it a bad day, although it gave me pause for thought. After all the fretting Bill did over his car’s return and the steps that led up to it, it now appears that Bill’s car came back to him just in the nick of time. Story below.

The Financial Abyss Opens Wide

Of all the scenarios that I envisioned relating to Joann’s monthly Social Security check, I was completely unprepared for what actually happened. I knew that at some point her money would stop coming, the government would match up her death report from the mortuary with her check and that would cause them to stop sending her money through direct deposit. I figured that at the most they would send me a letter demanding I repay the money, which I would have gladly done in payments. I also thought that I might get one last check in June that would have afforded me more time to try to develop other cash sources. Naturally, none of that happened.

I took a look at my bank account this morning to see if I was still on track with my budgeting and surprise, surprise, Uncle Sam had been there before me and reclaimed May’s entire $878.00. Considering that I had only about $70.00 in the bank in the first place, that left me with a balance of about -$812.00. This doesn’t include the $550.00 I owe the bank for direct deposit advances, which should kick in around June 7, making me liable for around $1362.00 to the bank. This was quite a Monday morning shocker.

Needless to say, I immediately took the cash I was saving for a haircut and invested it in a 30-pack of Natural Ice beer. The thinking was lame, but it was an otherwise empty day that I would have spent beering it up anyway, the only difference being that I didn’t use my debit card, I used saved cash.

Oddly enough, though surprising, the bank debacle didn’t throw me into a tizzy of depression-related whining and hand wringing. If anything, I actually felt liberated, released from any blame (except for the bank itself) and now I don’t have to worry whether Joann’s check shows up or not. The future is clear: no beer, no cigarettes and a lot less food. Loads of pissed off creditors as well.

I hadn’t thought that the whole money thing was playing havoc with my brain, I simply accepted it as another in a long list of many things that I’ve had to deal with in the aftermath of Joann’s death, and thought I was taking this in stride also. I don’t know myself as well as I should though, the relief of having the money returned to the government and finally knowing exactly where I stood, was very liberating, albeit an unexpected reaction. At least I could get into my day off without the burden of worry.

As Bill notes, I will get through this. I’m not sure how, but I know I will, with Bill’s help. At least we aren’t going to starve. I’m planning to go to Salinas tomorrow and get the Social Security survivor’s benefits applied for and hopefully, that will generate some cash flow. Even Joann’s $255.00 death benefit would help out at this point. As I said, having Bill’s car back turned out to be fortuitous, I’ve been delaying going to Salinas because of the long bus trip, and the high-tension wait for the next check. Now we have the car back and the check isn’t coming anyway, so I better not dally any longer.

Once again, I navigate shark infested waters.

Journal: 05/21/06

Today is the last working day before my day off and it is a warm, wet day as well. A spring storm moved in last night and everything is humid and uncomfortable. It is a slow day though and there is something to be said about low traffic coming through the door. At least I have plenty of time to myself to write these pages. I have worked seven days straight this week in order to realign my off days to Monday again. I like having my off time on a weekday as potentially I could use it to get things done when businesses are actually functioning, though I usually just hide out. Still, seven straight days is a bit overtaxing and I’m looking forward to sitting around doing not much tomorrow.

Talking To Joann

I’ve been talking to Joann again, not just in my mind, but aloud too. I noticed this behavior over the last couple of days and I’ve probably been doing this unconsciously for some time. What is different now, is that I’m doing it enough that I notice it. Luckily, I’m only discussing things with Joann at home, not in public where it might earn me a net and straightjacket.

I’m reasonably sure that I’ve been saying things to Joann all along, especially since her urn came home to lend her a presence. A couple of nights ago though I actually sat on the edge of her side of the bed and started talking to her urn. Just so my Constant Readers won’t become alarmed, it was a one-sided monologue and yes, I knew I was doing it. No need to speed-dial the loony bin.

I still miss her so much that the occasional informal tête-à-tête doesn’t seem out of line, at least not to me, though others may disagree. I’ve talked to myself most of my life, not because it’s a source of intelligent conversation, but because I solve problems by externalizing. Hearing myself analyze problems provides a certain amount of feedback for me. Talking to Joann is just another was of externalizing, an attempt to fill some small part of the giant hole that now exists within me. I don’t expect that to change any time soon.

I suppose that I try to recapture a bit of closeness to Joann that I miss. The act of talking to her seems to let me bring her into my life a little more. I’ve been in the habit of turning on her bedside lamp over her urn when I get home at night and haven’t thought anything of it. So long as I don’t hear her answering me, I’m not thinking of this as dangerous or risky behavior, merely extreme Maudlinism. After all, Bill talks to his car!

Journal: 05/20/06

It’s another warm and soggy day, very unlike Monterey. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain and I anxiously await it, the cooling rain, because I’ve grown comfortable in weather that rarely breaks seventy degrees. For once though, today was a busy day. Winter season is morphing into summer season and more people will be walking through the doors. Less time to surf the Internet, but more activity makes the days shorter. I’m all for shorter days.

I do work tomorrow and that’s fine with me. Getting back on my normal Monday-off schedule means that I will have one day a week where I can make appointments to get things done that I can’t with only weekends off. It’s a seven-day stretch though and I’ll have earned this Monday’s downtime.

Bill Gets His Car Back

Bill got his car back today after about a year sitting in the shop. He said that he had mixed feelings about having it home, but that was before he parked it in front of his room. He spent the day happily washing it, taking a year’s worth of dirt and grime off it. He said that he got about half the job done and didn’t want to spend the money to take it into the car wash. For him, the return of the car is a big step forward in his life.

From the beginning, when we first moved to this particular motel and throughout all the moves within the motel, he, Joann and I all lost large amounts of our things. I tossed about half of my things just to get here, the things I hadn’t looked at for years but had been carting around anyway. Bill lost half of his clothes and other belongings when Joann and I moved into the new apartment and he into his new room, thanks to late-night thieves who prowled through our open-air storage outside our new abodes. Joann lost more than half of her things two years ago when we couldn’t afford to maintain her storage locker anymore, and the rest after she died and I "housecleaned" the apartment.

We may not be able to afford gas for the car, and I’m not sure how Bill managed all the money to get the car back on the road. There was insurance, new tags and paying the mechanic off, but he did manage to get it done.

The reason the car sat for so long at the shop was that shortly after Bill put the car in the garage in June of last year, he went into the hospital for six weeks. After he came back home, there was a problem finding the right part to fix such an elderly car. As that process unfolded, Bill went back into the hospital again in October for three more weeks. Each time Bill went into the hospital; the mechanic suspended the search for the right part because we didn’t know if Bill would be able to drive after he came home. Restarting the part search took time, and when a part was located, more time was needed to fix an electrical issue with the car.

Finally, the car is back home though. Bill is very happy that such an important possession in his life wasn’t lost and I can seriously understand that. He has adapted to taking buses around town and still plans to keep doing so, using the car only for longer trips or shopping where there is a large load that normally would have required a cab ride. We do have to keep the gas cost down; money could get a lot tighter in the coming months.

I look upon the return of Bill’s car as an asset in the short term. Having the car available allows me to get to Salinas and deal with Social Security in the space of a morning before I go to work. It will also facilitate my search for other income by providing transportation in a shorter timeframe than I would have had taking buses, if I need to meet people. The long-term will have to wait. It all depends on how much gas we can afford.

Journal: 05/19/06

I felt better today after writing yesterday’s blog. I think having put an identity to what’s going on in my life and my feelings about Joann’s death has given me a better place to come from in the future. I knew I hadn’t completely shut down, that emotions, memories and events were reconciling themselves behind the scenes; I just didn’t know how to put the words to the process until yesterday. I am reassured that while my brain sorts through this stuff, it is also using these past experiences to learn and formulate a new foundation to build upon. In the end, I will be stronger than before.

A Little Help from My Constant Readers

I have been posting this blog since March 8 and have received several comments from readers. I want to take this time to let all of you know that all of your comments have been wonderful for me to read and I thank you for all of your support. By your comments I am reminded that I am not alone, that there are others who are taking this journey with me, albeit vicariously.

I hoped that by creating this blog, not only would I be giving myself a place of sanctuary where I could journal my issues with terminal illness and personal loss, but also provide much-needed information to others who may be going through the same trials, or are preparing to. I don’t know how useful these pages are to others, but I hope this effort has been worthwhile; I know it has been—and will continue to be—indispensable for me.

Ultimately, both the processes of honoring a loved one’s wishes to die at home and the personal recovery afterward for the caregiver, are uniquely personal roads the caregiver follows. Not everyone will choose to do the things I did, though if you look in the newspaper obituaries, many have in some form or another. I can only hope that this blog prepares and comforts others as it has me.

Thank you, my Constant Readers; your feedback supports me on the road I travel.