Journal: 04/08/06

In Loving Memory of … Joann Gottlund-Scott 8/24/51—4/6/06 3:45 AM

Just so that the constant reader knows, Joann went in peace. Without pain, without distress, at the age of 55 she was very comfortable. I did everything that was medically required and more, so she took the high road with confidence and grace.

Three days since Joann went "home." I don’t know that I’m a wreck, but I have the feeling that I’m a wreck walking. I’m doing okay, although that’s a relative term. I’m not being obsessive about her death, but I am very much out-of-sorts. It will take me a few weeks to adjust to the vacancy in my life, to keep from seeing her out of the corner of my eye in places I would expect to find her. While Bill and I were waiting for the mortuary to pick her up, we crosschecked with each other that Joann wasn’t breathing. Because we expected to see her breathe, a false memory image kept popping up every time we looked at her. We thought she was breathing, as that was what we expected to see. Of course, she wasn’t, it was simply what Bill and I wanted to see.

Yesterday (Friday), I started picking things up around the apartment. Advanatacare® came by to pick up all of their equipment, such as the hospital bed, oxygen canisters, oxygen concentrator, wheelchair and the SAT monitor (to check Joann’s oxygen saturation level). Suddenly things and sounds I lived with for a couple of years were gone. Over the years, I had become used to the oxygen concentrator and its pumping noises 24/7. Since I shut it off when Joann no longer needed it, the silence has been deafening.

I realized after I started picking things up, like open cosmetics and other personal stuff of hers, that I simply couldn’t do it all in one swoop. A little bit here, a little bit there, seems to be the answer. I don’t want to erase her, just get the things that aren’t of use to anyone out of here. On the other hand, I will preserve many things from Joann in the apartment and my memory.

I am having financial problems with her cremation, but I’m getting tired now and will approach this tomorrow.

Give a prayer for Joann.

Journal: 04/05/06—04/07/06

In Loving Memory of …

Joann Gottlund

8/24/51—4/6/06 3:45 AM

In the early morning of Thursday, April 6, 2006, Joann passed away peacefully in her sleep from complications of Advanced Emphysema and COPD.

I know, constant readers, that I haven’t updated this blog for the last couple of days, but I’ve been a little distracted.

From this point on, I’ll be posting "Journal" entries, as there is no reason to continue with "Updates." My posting frequency will remain daily, unless life distracts me again. The nature of this blog now changes from chronicling Joann’s situation, to describing mine, in the aftermath of Joann’s death.

So …

Let me get some sleep and a bit of distance, I’ll be posting regularly again tomorrow.

Update: 04/04/06

Medications:

270 mg. Extended Release Morphine Suppositories (3 doses).

1950 mg. Tylenol Supp (650-mg, for fever) in (3 doses).

50-mg/500-mg. Diazepam 10-mg., Phenobarbital 100-mg. Suppositories (5 doses).

How Joann’s Day Went:

Condition unchanged. She remains in a medically induced coma because of her pain.

VNA nurse Kathy and VNA home healthcare aid Joyce stopped by today. Both confirmed that Joann’s spirit had moved on or at least that her body was completely unresponsive. As for everything else, no change. Joann’s comfort level was maintained with lower medication levels, probably due to timing that is more appropriate and structured application.

For me, it was a weepy day. I know I’ve lost my life-partner, but gained a few friends along the way. Maudlinism is the theme today.

Update: 04/03/06

Medications:

450 mg. Extended Release Morphine Suppositories (5 doses).

70 mg. Oral Morphine (3 doses 30-20-20).

80-mg/800-mg. Diazepam 10-mg., Phenobarbital 100-mg. Suppositories (8 doses).

How Joann’s Day Went:

Condition unchanged. She remains in a medically induced coma because of her pain.

VNA nurse Ruth and VNA home healthcare aid Joyce stopped by today. Ruth checked vitals and made sure the medications were going well. I got another lesson in suppositories, which was fine. I needed to get some confidence going there and any help I get benefits Joann greatly, as I’m learning. Joyce gave Joann a bath and washed her hair, always an important thing for a woman, in a coma or not.

I finally got some decent sleep for 7 hours last night, took a shower and shave this afternoon. I no longer smell like a goat and look like a llama. In the late afternoon, I sat and had a talk with Joann. I told her it was okay to "go home." I hadn’t understood what she meant by that expression three days ago, but I do now. It relates to the movie "Soylent Green," where Edward G. Robinson figures its time to be euthanized. That process was called "going home," where dying is easier than trying to live against all odds. I hope I’ve released her.

Update: 04/02/06

Medications:

2 mg. Oral Lorazepam in 1 dose (for sleeping/anxiety).

180 mg. Extended Release Morphine Suppositories (2 doses).

90 mg. Extended Release Morphine Capsule (1 dose).

40-mg/400-mg. Diazepam 10-mg., Phenobarbital 100-mg. Suppositories (4 doses).

How Joann’s Day Went:

Condition unchanged. She is in a medically induced coma because of her pain. Joann’s son David and her sister Janie came down to see her today, which I thought went very well. They had a chance to say goodbye and the nurse (Ruth) who was present noted that it was the right time. Joann may have less than a week now. Except for the capsule of extended release morphine Joann took shortly after midnight, she is now on orals and suppository medication. At the time of this writing, she sleeps a deep sleep, is comfortable, and out of pain.

Update: 04/01/06

Medications:

315 mg. Oral Morphine (7 doses).

14 mg. Oral Lorazepam in 7 doses (for sleeping/anxiety).

90 mg. Extended Release Morphine (1 dose).

90 mg. Morphine Suppositories (1 dose).

20-mg/200-mg. Diazepam 10-mg., Phenobarbital 100-mg. Suppositories (2 doses).

How Joann’s Day Went:

As most other days in the past week, this has been a different kind of day. VNA nurse Ruth was over to facilitate the change in Joann’s condition. She ordered new suppositories and adult-diapers. The key I understand in to keep Joann in a medication-induced coma. There is so much damage to her system currently, that life for Joann must be a living hell of pain or over-medication. Keeping her awake serves no real purpose at this time. I’m learning about suppositories, diapers, drool-mats, etc. Joann’s condition has radically changed. She will never come back from the stroke.

These days it is simply a round of suppositories to keep Joann comfortable. She doesn’t eat, drink, or anything else in support of her life. I think she is finally ready to go home. The nurses agree, Joann has run her course and the only thing left is her shell. Make the shell comfortable, they tell me, and be casual observation, I see it is true.

I will do my part as her caregiver to keep Joann’s pain at bay.