Journal: 07/01/06—09/06/06

I’ve been looking at this page for the last two months wondering what to put on it, or if I even had the energy to scribble my thoughts on it. The end date kept advancing as the weeks spun by, 7/10/06, 7/20/06, 7/30/06 … and on and on. Now it is the five-month anniversary of Joann’s passing, and I still haven’t pulled myself out of my doldrums, but at least I’m writing a couple of sentences. Maybe I’ll finally pull a post together by the end of the day, there is, after all, so much to tell, just not enough will to do it.

Bill tells me that after a hiatus of three months, effectively, I need to keep this first post short. He thinks that shorter posts are more readable and maybe they are. At least to people who either don’t have the time to read a lot or those who don’t read much as a matter of course. People with time or the interest will, I believe, read a post no matter how long it is, so long as it is informative and maybe a little fun. In the case of this post though, it ill be as long as it needs to be, just like any other writing by someone trying to explain an absence from his or her life. The length of a story (or chapter) is as long as the story itself.

If there is a plan for this post, and I think there is not, it would be to start from now and work my way backward, explaining things as I can. That might make for a lengthy post, but my friends and constant readers whom I have deprived for three months (the last post wasn’t much anyway, just showing signs of life) will suffer through it, each in their own way. No apologies here.

Reality, as it is, dictates a series of short posts, if for no other reason than my writing attention span is short. At the moment, at least. I believe that I am better served by not pushing myself to set goals I may not be able to complete. I’ll just try to work within the framework I can instead of stressing myself out by loading myself up with unrealistic aspirations. For instance, it is important to post something now, rather than wait while I write a novella covering the past three months.

What Happened …

Poleaxed by the second anniversary of Joann’s passing. There is no simpler, clearer explanation for what went at the beginning of June. Where I thought I had been ticking along just fine—thank you—dealing with my wife’s death, that delusion finally found its way home.

On many levels, all at once, I ceased functioning. To my credit, I did not dive into a "bottle," I managed to get to work every day and stay there for the required nine hours, and I managed to get the basics taken care of, such as applying for food stamps and Medicare. Beyond the needs of survival though, not much else happened. I withdrew from everyone and everything, like some hurt animal hiding away in a dark place waiting for recovery. Death never entered my mind.

I recognized the onset of my depression because my body withdrew from me as well. For several years, I have had my own set of physical disabilities stemming from back surgeries (lumbar), arthritis, raging carpal-tunnel disease and the potential for upper-back issues like spondylitis. During the time of Joann, I dealt with most of my pain issues by way of over-the-counter medications and because having Joann in my life seemed to reenergize me. On June 7 though, I woke up in the morning virtually crippled. The adrenalin I had been living on since Joann came home into home hospice vanished overnight. It was as if the Fates gave me two months to deal with Joann’s death (not all of that went well either), and not a day more. Although I was able to retain my daily schedule, over the next couple of months my pain grew and I had a major onset of arthritis nodules while neural control over my arms and hands became progressively worse.

I’m doing better now. After a midnight run to the local hospital emergency room a few weeks ago I was able to secure a prescription for pain medication (Tramadol) that works for most of my creaks and groans. My concentration is better and though the depression is a constant friend these days, it isn’t taking my life away from me anymore. I found a way to see a doctor through one of the programs administered by Community Hospital that is a pay-based-on-income scheme (I have no income at the moment, so medical support is free). This program should keep me in medications until my Medicare application is processed (more on that later). My first appointment is on September 8.

That’s about it for now. I want to get this piece out without overloading myself. I can’t believe that five months have gone by without Joann. I guess I’ve lost track of time, what with the distractions of pain and depression. I’ll paint in broad strokes for now and fill in the detail later.

New "Donate" Link

One of the side effects of Joann’s demise was the complete loss of any financial income for myself. I worked for our rent and Joann’s disability check paid for the other things in our life. When the income stopped, so did the bank account and everything associated with it. One of those things was my personal web site that hosted the page the "Donate" button linked to. With this posting, I have corrected the link to go directly to my PayPal account instead.