Journal: 11/07/06

Things are moving along and it looks like Joann will be getting her wish soon. Otherwise, my life paces relentlessly onward, flat as a glassy, windless sea and about as interesting.

Date for Scattering Joann’s Ashes

Several days ago, I called David Shorey, Joann’s son, and discussed the idea with him that it was time to spread Joann’s ashes. I guess enough time has passed since her death because he seemed to be ready for the concept as well. Time is distance, and distance is a good thing whether running away from or moving forward. For me, it seems to be a bit of both when it comes to Joann.

Today I received an email from him proposing December 9 as the date for spreading Joann’s ashes. I replied that any date worked for me and that was as good a day as any. I figure I can take off any time I need to, so long as I get enough notice.

With this decision made, I feel a small amount of relief. Over the last couple of weeks, since the lengthy discussion with Joann’s memory (or ghost, whichever) I have become ever more certain that this is the right thing to do. I simply do not know how much longer I can hold onto the physical remains without driving myself crazy or stressing out. At the present, in my mind she remains mired in some undefined limbo, like a body in my closet, dead but still there. I desperately need to get her out of that state and into a concrete memory instead of paddling my boat in circles in the middle of the River Styx. It’s not about kicking her out of the apartment; it’s about completing her process so I can begin mine.

I welcome the promise of the next month, as much as I dread the coming of Thanksgiving, but having a lot of time to condition myself to spreading Joann’s ashes doesn’t seem like a bad thing. In the meantime, there are many details to work out and a continuing email conversation with David to facilitate it. Like a slow train wending its way along a mountainous track, I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. I just wonder how much daylight I’ll have before the next tunnel arrives.

NaNoWriMo 2006 Update

So far this year, no NaNoWriMo-killing, motel-related incidents have cropped up. Writing has been a daily, full sailing ahead, sort of project. I started out with a story, an outline (this blog) and a determination to bring Joann’s story (and Bill’s and mine as well, by association) to the printed page in a few months. I haven’t always been consistent with my word count, sometimes hitting my daily allotment, sometimes not. In the end though, I’m confident I’ll make my fifty thousand words on time.

Moving the novel along isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. There have been a few teary days in the beginning as I revisit painful times and places, remember the trials of having to completely reverse my way of thinking about Joann’s disease and what I could do and not do anymore. Guaranteed there will be many more of these times ahead over the remainder of the month, but it is also a cleansing act I do now, and I’m the cleaner for it.