Journal: 11/12/06

My NaNoWriMo 2006 effort moves forward. Where before I thought I would stay behind the point where my word count should be until the last week of the competition, today I realized that I am actually maintaining a fairly steady pace and am exactly where I should be. Cause to, if not celebrate, at least relax a little.

Out of Sight, Not Out of Mind

Thoughts about Joann are still distracting me though, and I have been trying to find a way to change my environment so I don’t feel closed in.

Certainly, I took on a large project when I decided to turn this blog into a novel. When I relocated Joann’s memorial, it wasn’t to put her out of my sight or mind, it was to simply reclaim her side of the bed. That was an act of simple reassertion of my space, and a tacit acknowledgement that she was no longer physically central in my life. A minor bit of rearrangement, a little bit of sleight-of-hand.

However, turning the blog into a book, complete with back-story and hindsight-driven commentary, requires that I, once again, immerse myself back into the indecision, pain and turmoil of the days when Joann and I went through Home Hospice together. Keeping a grip has not been as easy as I originally imagined it would be.

I am also of the mind that I will remain this way for a long, perhaps very long, time. Just because the decision has been made to spread her ashes doesn’t mean a remedy comes as part of the package. In some ways I think more about Joann now than I did before I decided to spread her, but maybe that’s just my imagination under the influence of writing the book. Maybe not. Only time will tell about that. Meanwhile, I struggle through the jungle of memories trying to bring order and some sense to history.