Journal: 04/08/06

In Loving Memory of … Joann Gottlund-Scott 8/24/51—4/6/06 3:45 AM

Just so that the constant reader knows, Joann went in peace. Without pain, without distress, at the age of 55 she was very comfortable. I did everything that was medically required and more, so she took the high road with confidence and grace.

Three days since Joann went "home." I don’t know that I’m a wreck, but I have the feeling that I’m a wreck walking. I’m doing okay, although that’s a relative term. I’m not being obsessive about her death, but I am very much out-of-sorts. It will take me a few weeks to adjust to the vacancy in my life, to keep from seeing her out of the corner of my eye in places I would expect to find her. While Bill and I were waiting for the mortuary to pick her up, we crosschecked with each other that Joann wasn’t breathing. Because we expected to see her breathe, a false memory image kept popping up every time we looked at her. We thought she was breathing, as that was what we expected to see. Of course, she wasn’t, it was simply what Bill and I wanted to see.

Yesterday (Friday), I started picking things up around the apartment. Advanatacare® came by to pick up all of their equipment, such as the hospital bed, oxygen canisters, oxygen concentrator, wheelchair and the SAT monitor (to check Joann’s oxygen saturation level). Suddenly things and sounds I lived with for a couple of years were gone. Over the years, I had become used to the oxygen concentrator and its pumping noises 24/7. Since I shut it off when Joann no longer needed it, the silence has been deafening.

I realized after I started picking things up, like open cosmetics and other personal stuff of hers, that I simply couldn’t do it all in one swoop. A little bit here, a little bit there, seems to be the answer. I don’t want to erase her, just get the things that aren’t of use to anyone out of here. On the other hand, I will preserve many things from Joann in the apartment and my memory.

I am having financial problems with her cremation, but I’m getting tired now and will approach this tomorrow.

Give a prayer for Joann.