Journal: 05/25/06

An early bedtime last night wasn’t a reality, though I did try hard to turn my brain off. The gray matter simply didn’t want to go to sleep until 4:00 AM this morning, probably the result of ruminating over yesterday’s trip to Salinas. Nevertheless, I did sleep until noon and put in a decent day at work without a beer breakfast, as I also managed to drink all of the beer in the apartment last night, and that scenario didn’t bode well for tonight. Luckily, late in the evening, a guest tipped me $5.00 and I could purchase tonight’s beer with that money. I’m in the literal mode of "hand to mouth" for the first time in over three years, and I really don’t like it. Of all the adjustments I’ve had to make since Joann’s passing, this isn’t the hardest, but it is the most inconvenient and probably will be longer term than I would like.

The New Poverty Lifestyle

It isn’t like I’ve never gone through periods of extreme poverty before, but a long time has passed since those days and I’ve grown accustom to a certain level of financial security. There was a time, in my spent youth, when being destitute was a way of life. One week I would be flush with cash, the next a down-at-heels seeker of the next cigarette. Not because I wasn’t working, in fact I made upwards of $1500.00 a week as an independent computer consultant or I wrote term papers during the slow periods between projects. No, it was the lifestyle I lived, mostly work and little, but intense, play. During the 70’s and 80’s, computer-people with new technologies were scarce commodities and the hours were long, albeit well paid. Partying was brief and intense.

Most of my adult life was spent in the mode of "I need to get this project completed or I can’t pay the bills." Procrastination due to perfectionism ran rampant. Every day was a battle between my preciseness and the need to meet deadlines, as well as eat. In the end though, if I wasn’t secure, I was at least not without options.

What I find myself in today is a time without options. At least not options I have explored or been creative about in some time. I suppose I’m still in shock over the events of the last couple of months and it is taking longer for me to break the surface of grief and get motivated than I realized. There are options out there, I just haven’t come to grips with them yet.

Life with Joann was a secure life, at least by my standards. Joann, Bill and I all performed our parts in our little micro-economy, but I need to get a grip on the fact that I’m going to have to take over part of her role. I just haven’t figured out how, yet. That will come though, I don’t have any fear that I can’t come through, albeit with some bottom-scraping along the way.

Meanwhile, Bill is doing more than he had to before and for that I am glad. He is keeping us in food and transportation while I keep us in our homes. I know I’m going to have to cancel some accounts and make different arrangements to pay the bills that I can, but I’ll get through it. I simply hate the idea of having to start over again.

In the end, this could be a whole lot worse—Bill and I could be homeless.