Journal: 05/17/06

Another day, another dollar but at least I’m feeling better and eating again. It must be age that makes my "rebound" time grow longer the older I get. By the time I’m sixty, it will take me a week to recover from a one-day binge. It’s taking me three days to get back to normal after Mother’s Day now. Maybe one more night of lengthy, deep sleep will finally fix me up. As far as the binging is concerned though, I don’t see myself giving up my beer anytime soon, just being more careful about the binging.

Comfortably Numb—Still

I’m still coasting, days centered around going to work on time, sleeping until noon (I go to work at 1:00 PM), spend my days surfing the Internet and drinking too much on my day off. I can feel the intelligence running out of my ears but am powerless to do anything about it. This lack of interest or activity must be some form of low-level depression and though I’m getting tired of feeling this way, the inertia of my life is so great that altering course would take more energy than I have at my disposal. Sometimes I think that having a major breakdown and getting it all out—the grieving for Joann—and getting on with my life would be a blessing as opposed to immobility.

As I drift down the river of pathos, I look for signs on the riverbank that might give me a clue as to how to break out of my emotional prison, but I have noticed few. The guideposts clearly shouting for my attention are acknowledged, but not acted upon. Energy to act derives from inspiration, and I have none. Curiously, intelligent ideas are not investigated and clearly illuminated paths not taken.

In all of this, there lies a drabness, a grayness of life as though all of the color has been drawn out and the outlines of things have blurred. I have become comfortably numb to everything around me and it shouts out "apathy." I have adopted a callous indifference to my life and made it mine.

If I don’t find a way out of this soon, I’ll lose everything I have gained on the Monterey Peninsula. I have to take action to restart my life instead of merely sitting around paralyzed. Good luck to me, I haven’t done anything constructive in weeks except write this blog.