Journal: 05/18/06

Another piece of mail came for Joann today after a hiatus of a couple of weeks. This mail was different though, as it came from Monterey County Social Services, informing me (though it was addressed to Joann) that her Medi-Cal benefits would be stopped by the end of May 2006. The letter cited the fact that she was "deceased" as the cause for this action. It didn’t take them long to cancel her benefits as the notification to local, state and federal agencies went out on April 25. I imagine that I will be hearing from other agencies shortly. With fifteen days to go until the next income from Social Security, I’m naturally a little nervous.

"Hibernating" Not "Coasting"

After my outpouring yesterday in these pages, I thought about my situation a little more closely. Actually, I slept on it. Researchers say that when you sleep your brain replays everything that happened during your "awake" period in order to make associations between the day’s events and remembered events and learns from these associations. This is why, so they say, that sleeping on a problem produces better judgments and actions than making critical decisions immediately.

I think I’m taking my "coasting" analogy a little too literally. I believe that I’m actually "hibernating," cocooning within myself, so to speak. It is also some comfort to realize that I associate hibernating with "incubating" as the internal process. This better describes my current state than merely coasting. I’ve become more inner-directed and introspective as I sort through all of the memories, dreams and realities of my past with Joann. I guess I’m mentally doing to my brain what I did when I "housecleaned" the apartment, there’s just so much more stuff to go through.

This explains why I feel so sluggish and unenergized, not because I’m hiding out in the depths of my grief, but because the creative part of me is assembling my next move in my own life. So, there is an end to the drifting after all; the longer I keep myself stable, the quicker the process will be. I’ve learned from the Mother’s Day episode and am sure that type of event won’t occur again, and then I could be wrong all over again as well.

Looking at my momentary life this way sheds new light for me. I’m not as dead as I thought I was and I know the gears are turning, albeit slowly for all the mounds of memories to sift through. I won’t inhibit the process by worrying about it anymore. In fact, I’ll give myself permission to complete it in its own time.