Journal: 05/15/06

It was a warmer day than usual for this time of year and that just made me cranky. I didn’t get to sleep until 7:00 AM, although I did manage to drag myself out of bed at 12:20 PM, even after forgetting to set the alarm clock. Hung-over and with a "breakfast of champions" beer start to the day, I nevertheless made it to work on time. I did have to call Bill and ask him to bring me something for lunch, as I didn’t have time to make anything for myself. That didn’t matter anyway, in the long-run; as I didn’t eat anything at the office. Luckily, it was a slow day, not enough people walking through the door or calling to piss me off, and everyone respectfully stayed off my case, even the guests, what few there were. I suffered in silence with ill humor, but I didn’t drink anything but coffee and juice at work, for which I gave myself a hearty pat on the back when I got home.

Considering Mother’s Day

In retrospect, I should have known what was coming. As I noted yesterday, so far I’d managed to avoid any direct confrontation with my loss, simply by making sure I get to work every day. That stratagem will always work though, there are going to be times when I am caught unawares and pay the price for having not come to terms with Joann’s death.

At the same time, I’m also not sure how to bring my grief to the surface and face it. I also don’t know if the reason behind not confronting my grief is that I’m suppressing it or dealing with it differently.

It’s similar to when I stopped smoking, all of the literature told me to be prepared for "backslides," and backslide I did when the pressures of taking care of Joann became great. When I talked a few days ago to Joe, the VNA bereavement counselor, he pointed out that certain events or memories could trigger a depression like the one I went through yesterday. That’s backsliding too. Just when I thought I had everything under control, something comes along to challenge my grip on sanity.