Journal: 05/09/06

Now that I have Joann’s obituary out of the way, I feel a little better. Maybe there was a tiny bit of closure there, some sense that I’ve placed a marker by the roadside and now must continue on alone. I don’t feel any more alone today than I did last week, but it’s definitely time to start mulling over taking back my life. I don’t have any thoughts on how I’m going to do it, but I do have reasons why.

Moving Forward, But Not Moving On

It’s time, I think, to start cogitating about what and where do I go next in my life. I don’t mean leaving the Monterey Peninsula, or dumping my job. I love Monterey and shoving the job would be suicidal in this locale and economy. What I’m talking about is the form of what I do next with my life.

Certainly, my life has been radically altered by the loss of Joann, and though I don’t foresee "moving on" in the future, I do at least have to do something with my life aside from sitting around in an intellectual and spiritual coma. What I need to do is "move forward" with the plans I had made during Joann’s time and not do myself an injustice by believing that without Joann in my life, I can’t be productive again.

For several years before Joann came into my life, I was making the transition from programming computers to writing books. Although I moved here originally because I wanted to write books in John Steinbeck’s countryside twelve years ago, this separation from the past started in earnest when I had my back surgeries. It was during the time of Joann that I finally summoned up the gumption, with Joann’s enthusiastic support, to finally admit that I needed to completely break off the computer development fixation that by this time was only an occasional web development project.

Now I’m alone again and adrift in my sea of dreams. If I’m ever going to get moving again, I have to take off the cruise control and put my writing and myself out to the public. With Joann in my life, I was secure, and therefore unmotivated, to really publish anything. Sure, money was tight, but I managed to keep everyone (Joann, Bill and I) in apartments or rooms. But that period has ended and if I want to survive, I need to advertise my substantial writing and editing skills, attract a publisher and finish a book, not necessarily in that order. The first thing I have to do though is to get interested again in becoming who I think I am.

I remember a time back in 2000 when I was managing a small motel with nineteen rooms all by myself. I had had my third back surgery a year earlier and was using the time to recuperate from the resulting case of bone disease that the surgery left me with. After a year of spending all of my time taking an array of medications and painkillers, all supported with a generous monthly disability payment, I dimly realized that I was actually getting stupid. Over time, I became frustrated with my semi-invalid ways and longed to change the manner that I was living. I needed to regain control of my life instead of living in a drug-induced stupor. I reasoned that the only way I was going to change this was to attack the root cause and forfeit my disability check. The thinking was that so long as I was safe, comfortable and unmotivated, I would never change. There was always going to be pain in my back, I philosophized, I would simply have to learn to deal with it. I took myself off all my medications over a two-month period and gave up my monthly check, and have never looked back.

I need to do the same thing now.