Journal: 05/12/06

Today is Friday and normally this would be the downslide side of the workweek. This week though I’m working seven days starting with last Monday. I keep getting up and making it here on time every day though. Almost like a point of honor because the last six months before I took time off for home hospice, I was quite unpredictable in when I managed to get to work. In that respect, my life is better than normal.

The VNA Checks In

The VNA gave me a call this morning but I was still sleeping, though they did leave a message. Their bereavement department had called to check in on me and see if there were any problems. This is another of their ongoing services extended to survivors of patients who have completed hospice or home hospice care, as Joann did. The nurses told me about the ongoing bereavement care long before Joann died, but I had forgotten about it. After all, I’m doing all right, aren’t I?

This afternoon I returned the call and talked for some time with Joe, the director of the service. After talking with Joe for a while, I brought up my apprehension that maybe I wasn’t going through all of the grieving steps. He pointed out that everyone deals with death differently and there is no set timetable. I have been wondering when a big breakdown is going to inject itself into my life but hasn’t yet, at least nothing like the week I spent drunk after Joann’s passing.

Talking with Joe gave me a much-needed reality check. I don’t have anyone to talk with who is unconnected to Joann; I haven’t pursued any counseling or group therapy either. I probably would, except for my work schedule and transportation, at least to get those sorely needed reality checks. Joe did suggest that I come to a therapy session or two, but they are in Salinas and during the hours I work. That doesn’t mean I won’t call if something breaks inside of me, its nice to know I have options.

I also put him onto my blog, because I still feel that if you want to know how I’m really doing, read my blog. Joe made the point that my blog, updated regularly, is acting as my emotional release. I’ve witnessed other people grieving inconsolably for a loved one and it strikes me that they have themselves all bottled up, getting ready to explode. At least I get it all out in my blog and that was the intent Joann and I set it up for, as a way to keep moving on after she died. Joe said he would call me with a comment when he read the blog.