Journal: 05/03/06

Joann’s check popped up in my bank this morning. I stayed up until 4:00 AM, waiting with baited breath, to make sure it arrived to keep me out of financial chaos. This might be the last check though, I have to go apply for survivor’s benefits from Social Security soon and the cash flow may be interrupted. As Joann’s monthly check was the only income flow she and I had, if it shuts down, even for a month, I will not be in a good position. Bill buys the food in exchange for rent these days, but where will the beer and cigarettes (or nicotine tablets) come from?

Joann Comes Home

With the arrival of Joann’s check, I called the mortuary and bailed her out. She’s home now and sitting on a small table in the bathroom. Where she will ultimately be placed in the apartment is still a question, I expect to try a few different locations before finally settling on her special place. Bill suggested that we pair her urn with a live plant, creating a memorial-like space for her. I think she would have liked that. Because I have been tasked by her to spread her ashes with mine in some (hopefully) distant future, finding a stable place for her in our home is top priority.

Joann’s ashes proved to be a larger quantity than I envisioned, so the idea of putting her in the special vase she liked wouldn’t work. For the moment though, I’ll leave her in the brown plastic, rectangular urn she arrived home in while I try different places.

Finding a place for her in the apartment is a bit limited in scope, as I don’t think she would like being in a drawer. I don’t know that putting her someplace I think she wouldn’t like matters or not, but I imagine that it will be years before I stop treating her remains as I would treat her. At the same time, I don’t want her urn to be the focal point of my existence. She’s not on display and it would drive Bill and visitors to distraction to have her as a centerpiece. For a while, I had her sitting next to the laptop while I was writing this piece.

Having Joann back in the apartment turned out to be not as creepy as I envisioned it to be. I do find myself talking to the urn, but not obsessively, no more than I mutter to myself at times. As far as closure is concerned, I have the peace of knowing that I did complete this part of my promises to her, and in as short a time as I could. Even before her urn returned, I felt as though she was still part of our home, a presence I constantly feel and that isn’t diminishing. My memories are as strong as ever, but now that I have the physical essence of her in the apartment, the memories seem sharper, and if I need to remember in the future, all I have to do is look at her urn.

As a final note, I talked today to Joann’s son, David, and he said that his father, Joann’s first husband, died on April 25. It must have been a really bad April for David, losing both his parents in the same month. All he has left now are an aunt and uncle, the sister and brother of Joann, I don’t know about his grandparents or other relatives on his father’s side. David did say though, that he would come down in June to go through what is left of Joann’s things. My condolences go out to him.