Journal: 05/06/06

Another normal day, though I took notice that it has been a month since Joann’s passing. Bill brought home a lemon meringue pie today as part of our celebration of having been at the motel for three years. Lemon meringue was always a favorite of Joann, Bill and I. In taking note of the one-month since Joann’s passing, I decided to look back at that month and take a status check.

Joann’s Passing: One Month Later

It is one calendar month since Joann’s passing and its time to take stock of how I’m doing.

I haven’t had any major breakdowns other than the week after Joann died when I stayed drunk most of the time. In fact, I’ve regained control of my life to much the same degree that I had before. There have been no major depressions, no continuing frustration over my loss, just a low-level, constant grieving and sense of loneliness. I’ve been able to restore most of my life-markers and touchstones, which I hang onto every day. This blog too has helped keep me sane and focused, acting much like a constant companion I can spill out my thoughts to, anytime, anywhere. The grieving process for me has been low-key so far.

I get up and go to work every day without fail. Work had been my safe harbor, a way to keep myself busy and focused on my life. When I’m at work, aside from telling some long-term, repeat guests who ask about Joann, I am able to keep from dwelling on her passing. I suppose my job acts as a distraction from the reality of Joann’s being gone, I sleep much of the time I’m at home, so there is very little time to have the opportunity to dwell.

Bill is in "hover" mode, probably because he was used to always having Joann available and spends the bulk of his time alone now. Without Bill though, I don’t think I could have come through this with so little damage. The time I spend with him each night, between the times I get home and bedtime, has acted as yet another distraction from the realities of Joann’s death, it has been a supportive distraction as well.

The new thing I am having to get used to is Joann’s ashes being home, and the obligation I have to her about her final disposition. I’m okay with her wish to for us to be spread together, and having her ashes is not a problem. I’m still talking to her urn occasionally, but I guess that’s natural. Nevertheless, I’m glad to have her home.

I will work out the money situation one way or another. As far as I can tell, the future looks bright even if there are potholes in the road. I promised Joann that not only would I look after Bill, but myself as well, and I will stick to that. I’ve been mulling over what it is that I want to do with "the book" and am beginning to formulate some ideas. I hope that once I get a plan going, I’ll start work on the book soon.

My status check is okay. Better than expected, even by my standards.