Journal: 04/29/06

Big Sur Marathon weekend gets into full swing, but the motel doesn’t fill up. Still, it was a busy day. People are simply not driving places these days. With gas up over $3.15 a gallon, everyone thinks about getting to work, not spending a day out of the city. As far as I know, all of the motels are having a bad time of it as the season moves into spring and summer. Luckily, because I work only for rent, I’m not affected. No cash changes hands and the space Bill and I take up doesn’t affect motel occupancy, giving the owners something of a free ride on my services. Recession and high gas doesn’t have an effect on my hours, thanks to this lifesaving arrangement.

What to do, What to Do?

I’m noticing that there are stirrings in the back of my brain that represent thinking and interest. This is mostly subconscious, but I’m actually starting to get bored again at work. Nine hours of surfing the web and writing this blog, are beginning to wear thin. Something is tickling my intellectual curiosity.

Maybe this is the thaw of my winter of grieving, getting me ready to move into spring and blossom. That would be a nice change from the inertial coasting I’ve been experiencing. I’ve learned that when I start to get bored with the same old thing every day, then its time for a change. I welcome this change because it means that I have passed a point in my grieving process that allows me to less centered around the event of Joann’s dying, and focus more on myself.

This too will be a process; it may take awhile to get back to who I am now. Widower-hood is still a scratchy suit, but not so much as it was a few weeks ago. Now that my survival instinct has kicked back in, I expect to start accomplishing those promises I made to Joann, instead of just being a slug in the garden of life.

To this end, the question that runs through my mind most frequently is "where do I start?" No small pondering, that. I have to reassemble my life from the shards of myself that lay on my life’s floor. I certainly do not feel complete and just because I’m thinking about taking an interest in life again doesn’t mean I’m whole, simply beginning the road to gluing all those pieces of myself back together. A journey starts with but one step, though, and I believe that I’m about ready to take that first step.