Journal: 04/25/06

I didn’t do laundry today, I will try again tomorrow. So I think. Its all part of the duties that Joann did, the folding of the clothes and putting them away, that seems to have me in this mode of non-action. I know it’s not realistic, but I am having problems assuming the roles Joann played in my life. "Get over it," is what my brain tells me but my heart says, "Not yet, I want to hang on to her a little bit longer."

These conflicting thoughts seem to be coming with greater frequency, one part of myself contradicting the other. I know it’s not rational, but I can’t seem to help myself. It must be latent reaction, the time and distance from her death, starting to take its toll. I know she is always with me, especially right now. I feel her with me and know that she hasn’t let me go. So, I should be able to take some security from that, but I miss her so much. Low-key as it may be, my loss is intense. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing this blog every night.

Joann’s Purse

One of the things I uncovered yesterday was a purse I had given Joann for Christmas in 2004, that she didn’t use because it was too heavy for her to carry. Today I took a look at it, largely to clean it out because I thought one of the maids might find use for it. Inside I found the Catholic cross Joann wore around her neck constantly. I don’t remember when she stopped wearing it, but it must have been some time ago. The things in this purse were from a time early in our relationship. There was also the heart pendant and chain that her mother gave her on her birthday in 2004. The chain was broken and I guess that’s why she stopped wearing it, though I know that she loved the inscription on it: "If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I’d walk right up to heaven and bring you home again." A sentiment I didn’t understand at the time, but one I can be fully behind now. These things I will keep, or let her son David choose them. So long as they stay in Joann’s family.

I also found her wedding ring from her last husband. I was her third husband; her second died from a heart attack. When Joann and I went on a vacation for three days in November 2003, I bought Joann an engagement ring, with the understanding that we were going to have a long engagement. The "long" engagement turned out to be only nine-months, but during that time, we made sure that we were meant for each other. Part of the agreement when I bought her the engagement ring and put it on her finger, was that she take off her dead husband’s ring. "Leave the past behind," was the mantra; this is a new life for both of us. She put the old ring in the same box her new engagement ring came in and that was what I found tonight, stuffed in the purse she never used because it was too heavy. She used it for storage instead. I’m not sure what to do with the ring, I’ll probably take it to my jeweler, get it appraised, and use it to pay for the wedding ring I bought her, that I’m still paying for. On the other hand, it may be worth nothing, and that will be okay too, then I’ll donate it to a charity. It’s definitely not a part of my life with Joann.

Bill’s Car (Update)

Apparently, Bill’s car is ready to get back on the road. The mechanic finally diagnosed the problem as a short in the electrical system, which in turn blew out the computer modules. With a bit of money, and some time, the car will get back on the road. The question Bill has to come to terms with is whether to sell it, or keep it handy for future use. Frankly—and Bill and I discussed it tonight—the car doesn’t seem to be worth the trouble, better to sell it than pay the gas for it.

Bill is happy trucking around town using buses, and he knows the health benefits to walking. With gas at $3.00 a gallon and above, we simply don’t have the $45.00 to fill the car’s tank. Then again, he has to pay to get new tags on the car and insurance if he wants to drive it from Ron’s lot to the motel. Catch-22.

Right now, though, Bill is taking the high road. We talked tonight and the first priority is getting Joann home. We’ll worry about the car next week.